Sorry I haven’t posted an update in a couple of days. I have been feeling a bit down lately. It’s a combination of being stuck in a hospital (we don’t get along well) and not seeing the kids or James for a week.
Talking to them on the phone helps, or so you would think. Talking to Emma is pretty relaxing as we go over her day and promise to talk later before bed. Talking to Abby is a bit of a circus. She asks if I have a pillow and a blanket and then hands the phone back to James. Seconds later she’s begging to talk to me again only to make sure I am staying in bed like the doctor said before she hands the phone back off to James. A few minutes goes on and she must be able to tell that James and I are wrapping up our conversation wen she asks for the phone again. This time I tell her how silly she is and we laugh. Suddenly, she sounds sad and asks when I am coming to her house and tells me she misses me “berry berry much” and she loves me. My heart shatters into a billion little pieces (I got you beat, James Frey!) and I try to talk to her through my soupy sobs.
I cried for an hour on Tuesday night after that conversation. Pillow cases soaked and slipping over the plastic pillows beneath. Thankfully, no nurses came in during that time either because they were busy with other patients or because they could hear me through the door. Even though they knock on the door once before entering, giving you some illusion of privacy, you’re never really alone. If I managed to doze off a nurse would comment about coming into the room only to find me asleep. I refused to admit that I can’t sleep in hospitals and was glad to get any bit of sleep I could when I could. I am stubborn like that.
Wednesday brought the release from the hospital and a room at the hotel that’s located right next to the hospital. Wednesday also brought James’ grandma’s funeral. She passed away on Monday after having a massive stroke on Friday. Wednesday also brought the arrival of my mother to help take care of me while I am in the hotel. She brought with her a fresh cast on her left arm after falling on Sunday night.
This past week has been a line of dominoes falling over. I look around and wonder what else can go on and how helpless I feel in every situation. James says he’s fine with the passing of his grandma and his mom is apparently handling it well. While it was expected, it was still sudden and sad. My mom broke her arm because she was worried about me after missing a phone call from James. I have no control over my preeclampsia and I don’t know for sure when I’ll have the babies, which drives the control freak in me crazy.
Things I do know are limited. I do know that in a half an our or so James and the kids will bust through the hotel door and keep me company for the weekend. I am trying not to think about Monday when they leave but need to practice biting the inside of my cheek so I don’t break down as they walk through the door without me. We have plans of taking over the hotel pool and maybe hijacking a wheelchair at the Mall of America is boredom sets in.
There are other things I am fairly certain of, as well. I am fairly certain that the babies will be here in a week. Part of me wants them to hold off until Saturday of next week just because it’s my sister’s birthday *cough45thcough* on Friday. Hell, I made my OB hold off Emma’s birth by 2 days so it wouldn’t be on the same day as my other sister. Control freak again.
I am also fairly certain that the babies will spend 3 weeks in the special care nursery so they can learn to eat and grow. That’s another 3 weeks or more that I’ll be away from the girls as I’ll need to be near the babies so I can pump and hold them. I keep telling myself that in the grand scheme of things, this will be a tiny blip on the radar of their lives. It still hurts though.
I do want to say thank you for all of the great comments and emails of well wishes. They’ve helped me keep things pretty calm in my crazy mind. I hope that you all have a great holiday weekend and hug your kids if you got em, or find a kid to hug if you don’t (you know, without being all creepy and stuff, k??).
